You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
