Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
