So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
