She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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