When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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