You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Randomize
