I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His hands were made for my vagina.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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