Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
