Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
