the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Panties = found
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
