just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
