is your mom at the bar?
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
