Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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