do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
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