I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Randomize
