...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
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