Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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