I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
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I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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