If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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