I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
