so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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