oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
