i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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