oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
