im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
