Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
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