I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
you traded sex for a burrito?
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
