I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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