Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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