just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
