wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Randomize
