Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
