hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
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