When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Randomize
