I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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