1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
