Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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