I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
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