you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
