It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
