new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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