so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
