i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
