If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
You are the jesus of drinking
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
