I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
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