tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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