so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
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