haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
