So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
