some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize
