Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
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