my phone needs a breathalizer
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I'd cum for enchiladas.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
