Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
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