You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
