Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
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