so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Randomize
